Tikkabik

So, some of my comrades have pressured me for more Frickin' Van stories, so I figured I'd end the year on that note.

The Frickin' Van continues to occupy space in the driveway, being driven at most once a week, mainly to haul trash to the dump. My initial goal in keeping it after we got the other van on the road mainly had to do with a desire to have two cars to shuttle the kids around in for their various activities, but this has suddenly become less of an issue. After Bob's kung fu school raised his tuition again, for the second or third time this year, we dropped him from the program. So that's two weekly after school activities that he doesn't need to get hauled to and from. Emme's schedule for Girl Scouts changed, as well.

The trips to the dump have turned into nail biters. As I indicated in my last Frickin' Van entry, the thing has a sticky thermostat -- so if you get caught in a line at the dump, the van heats up and acts scary until you start moving it at street speeds again. I'm not sure what the relationship is between the van's relative lack of use and its sticky thermostat is, but I'm sure there's a causal relationship there.

The relative lack of use seems to be accelerating the Frickin' Van's leprosy -- its body rot is increasing in good old fashioned Ford style -- many of the lower edges closest to the pavement now show chunks of rust instead of blue paint. I'm also finding little peels of rust-caked paint starting to form like a nest around the Frickin' Van.

Its time is coming soon, it would seem.

Posted by flargh at 12:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

One thing any parent will tell you, is that their responsibilities as a parent are relentless and never-ending. Any time you can take away from the kids is usually a blessing, if nothing else, to just decompress for a bit.

With me heading out to San Francisco for a week and a half on Friday night, Bonnie's especially feeling the crunch -- she always gets trapped in the house with the kids when I go on business trips, because trying to coordinate anything with three young children is a herculean effort. So she takes advantage of any opportunity she can to get away from them for a bit beforehand.

Every winter my father in law gets a hotel room at a local place with a pool, just for an overnight, and takes his grandkids with him. My mother has an in at a local place so she got involved this year too, and all three of our kids spent the night at the hotel last night. It's been great.

If we were younger and more energetic this might have been an excuse for a night of romance and exhausting debauchery, but Bonnie and I took it easy instead. We went out for dinner at a nice Italian place nearby, then watched DVDs and went to sleep before 11. We woke up a bit late, on our own this time, rather than to the sound of whining or crying. Right now we're just having coffee and enjoying the silence that is all too rare in our house. It's been a pleasant, relaxing change of pace. Hopefully it'll be what we both need to get through the next few days of chaos.

Posted by flargh at 08:57 AM | Permalink

Verizon isn't the only company with which I do business which seems determined to foil me at every turn. Comcast is on my list now.

Regular readers of this blog know that I have been cursing Comcast ever since they pulled Cartoon Network off of our local lineup. They did so because apparently, when the rocket scientists in my town signed their most recent contract with Comcast, Cartoon Network wasn't part of the lineup. They have two or three golf channels and half a dozen channels that show nothing but catholic masses and shopping networks, but Cartoon Network isn't available.

Now they have the "on demand" service, which lets you call up programming whenever you want. Movies, TV shows and so on -- it's a pretty good idea, their alternative to TiVO. But anyway, they offer Cartoon Network on demand services -- about a dozen episodes of various shows that so far don't seem to rotate or change. They're free to watch and available from our area, too -- but still no Cartoon Network on the "regular" channels.

Posted by flargh at 11:08 AM | Permalink

All right, all right, so it's Friday Five, only a few days late.

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?

Things seem relatively secure on the professional front, and given the market for high-tech writers for the past few years, that's no small feat.

2. What was your biggest disappointment?

I didn't get myself very well organized. I really have no excuse than a paralyzingly bad case of procrastination.

3. What do you hope the new year brings?

In no particular order: A mild winter for the Northeast, no more illness in my house, financial propserity, reliable automotive transportation (fingers crossed -- everything is going well with the new van so far). A new administration in the White House would be a good way to end the year.

4. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? If yes, what will they be?

I don't think new year's resolutions are a good idea -- the majority of people who make them don't stick with them. I'm no different in this respect, so I tend not to make them.

5. What are your plans for New Year's Eve?

We'll probably do Chinese food and otherwise stay in. Bonnie and I aren't drinkers and I don't usually like to hang out with people who are drinking, so we haven't tended to find New Year's Eve parties. The novelty of being allowed to stay up until midnight hasn't worn off on Bob yet (though he hasn't been able to make it that long -- last year, he conked out at about 11:40). So we'll sit around and watch TV. Maybe I'll rent a movie if I'm feeling motivated. *shrug.*

Posted by flargh at 09:27 AM | Permalink

I'm developing the same disease my grandmother has. For my whole life and well longer, as far as I know, she does the same thing when she gets flustered and needs to summon either my aunt or my mother -- "Marcia-Sandy!" "San-Marcia!"

Now it's my turn. Bob's become "Ja-Bob" and James has become "Bo-James."

The disease is communicable too. Bonnie caught herself calling James "Em-James" the other day.

Posted by flargh at 08:22 AM | Permalink

It wouldn't be a holiday this year unless one of us was sick. On Thanksgiving, Emme came down with a case of the flu that knocked her out for three days, passed it to me, I passed it to James.

Last weekend the kids went to a birthday party for a friend; one of the parents brought their strep-infected kid who hadn't yet been put on antibiotics. Bob came down with a fever, runny nose and a sore throat yesterday; today he was 102 and went to the doctor. The swab test was positive for strep. I could kill that dad.

So after the pediatrician looked at him I'm in the drug store getting a prescription for some antibiotic filled. Bob elected to stay in the van, as he sometimes does -- he hates going into to stores unless it's Toys R Us or Electronics Boutique.

After a time Bob walks in -- he'd gotten out of the van and came into the store, growing impatient with the delay. His little face was pinched and red with frustrated tears, blanched because of the illness.

"What's taking you so long?" he demanded. Then he blocked one nostril off with a knuckle and blew as hard as he could, spraying a clear plume of snot down the front of his winter jacket.

True story.

I love the holidays.

Posted by flargh at 03:51 PM | Permalink

Twice this week I've been regaled with stories from friends and relatives about how their Windows XP-equipped PCs have turned into doorstops. My sister-in-law's computer was rendered completely useless after my niece installed some software; our neighbor has had nothing but problems ever since he tried to upgrade his PC with Windows XP.

To both of them I have but one thing to say: You should have taken my advice and bought a Macintosh to begin with.

Merry Christmas.

Posted by flargh at 01:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

50 degrees and rainy on Christmas Eve means our chances of getting snow on Christmas are virtually non-existent, and I'm perfectly content with that -- though our kids are exhibiting a bit of malaise over our decidedly brown Christmas.

Christmas Eve is the day Bonnie and I let the kids open the presents we've given them, and James is very anxious for this to happen. He's already asked me at least half a dozen times when he can open his presents, and it's not even noon yet. Of course, this brings out the sadistic side of my parenting skills and makes me want to draw it out just a bit longer each time he asks, to make them all suffer for bothering me.

Bonnie and I have done a miserable job of decorating the house for Christmas this year. She actually put up the tree herself after I carried the boxes upstairs, and had the kids help her decorate it. Other than that, a few Christmas trinkets on top of the entertainment center (for lack of a fireplace, our mock mantle) and some vinyl window clings that James brought home from pre-school, we've got virtually no holiday decorations up.

Except maybe for Halloween, I'm not a decorations person. I don't get a lot of joy from it, and see it as clutter more than anything else. Some people -- even folks in our neighborhood -- get really into it, setting up elaborate light displays that must make the electric company's accountants giggle with glee and rub their bony hands together. I don't know why -- I really try not to be a drip at this time of year -- but I just can't help myself. Holiday cheer is not with me right now.

Posted by flargh at 11:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Two days to go to Christmas, and we're entering the darkest time of the pre-Macworld Expo doldrums.

Because of the close proximities of Christmas, New Year's Day and the beginning of Macworld Conference & Expo in San Francisco, December is absolutely the darkest time of the year for the Mac news hound. Many companies furlough all together this time of year, and others are quiet as churchmice as they withhold product announcements and news for the opening day of Macworld.

It's dreadful to try to stay busy this time of year, because it seems like every story -- no matter how miniscule, covering a new product release or update -- requires five times the effort that it does the rest of the year. Once has to be judicious in the spacing of one's postings to make sure one gets a full day's worth of news posted, rather than clumps hither and yon.

On top of that, Christmas is bearing down upon us like an out-of-control freight train threatening to derail at any moment. The malls and shopping centers are crawling with people like cockroaches on spoiled food, we're struggling to make last-minute preparations, and the kids will be home for winter vacation starting tomorrow.

The next few weeks will fly by, but not with busy productivity -- it's busy, all right, but always frantically busy -- swapping gifts, returning unwanted items, seeing relatives, making last-minute plans for the San Francisco trip, and biting nails waiting to see what the weather will hold for the 3rd of January, when I fly west for a week.

I'm not exactly sure when this time of year turned into such a stresser for me. If I could concentrate on one event -- Christmas *or* Macworld -- it would be better. But as I've gotten older and responsibilities have piled up, I think I've actually gotten worse at managing them.

There are upsides to all this. Christmas will be fun -- Bonnie's aunt always throws a great spread, and we sit around, eat til we're stuffed and watch football. It's a predictable domestic experience that I really like, because it's comfortable like a pair of old slippers. And on New Year's day we'll travel to see my grandmother, which will be fun too -- she loves to see her great-grandchildren, and I'm happy to indulge her when I can. I have fond memories of my own great-grandmother even though she passed away when I was quite young, and I want to make sure my kids see her often enough that they've got some fond memories burned in too.

Macworld Expo will be crazy-busy, as usual, especially this year, since we've parted company with another employee, so most of the burden is going to be on me and my boss, with the possible help of whatever freelance help we're able to round up by then. Regardless, I'm really looking forward to it as well, because it's an opportunity for me to get together with my people -- some folks who I truly love and like, and a lot of folks who make it possible for me to make a living and have great fun doing it.

Plus going out to San Francisco will give me another chance to see my father, who I just met for the first time last year, and who I'm still getting to know. The face-time is important for both of us, I think.

The downside of all that fun and happiness that awaits is that I'll be spent like a smoked cigarette butt by the middle of January. It usually takes me a good two weeks to recover from this time of year, so I should be in good shape come February.

Posted by flargh at 12:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So the Verizon story reached its final chapter, by the way -- I'm not getting DSL. I got a pre-recorded call on Friday announcing that upon further review, Verizon decided I'm not worth the effort after all.

The funny thing is, they decided to subscribe me to their broadband newsletter, which I got over the weekend. This morning I got a return address label for the hardware they sent me, along with a reminder that if they don't get it back I'll get dinged for $175 in equipment fees.

Fuckers.

Posted by flargh at 01:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

So we went to a Christmas party that my wife's aunt has every year over the weekend. It's great for the kids because they receive presents and get to open them before The Big Day, so it's a bit of stress relief. And for us, it's terrific, because we never get to see Bonnie's mom's side of the family often enough. The only problem is they live far away so it's a long day for us -- we didn't get home until quarter of 11 that night.

Anyway, the kids rounded up some great loot. Bob, in particular, scored hardcover editions of books 7 - 10 in the Series of Unfortunate Events from Lemony Snicket, which is this series we absolutely adore about the unfortunate Baudelaire orphans, who are always beset with tragedy and woe at the hands of their nefarious distant relative, Count Olaf. Anyway, Bob unwrapped the books and proceeded to hug them and carry them around with him for the next several hours. Let me reemphasize this: Bob was hugging books. I figure we've done all right as parents if one of my kids was hugging books he got as a present.

My favorite gift of the kids, though, is a guilty pleasure -- it's this plush, stuffed bulldog puppet that barks "How Much is that Doggy in the Window?" when you move its mouth. I have no idea why I like this thing so much.

Posted by flargh at 09:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So Disney On Ice's theme this year is "Three Jungle Adventures," with three shows based on Disney properties: Tarzan, The Jungle Book and The Lion King.

It's a blatant case of false advertising. See, the Lion King isn't a "jungle adventure." It's a goddamned SAVANNAH adventure. Lions don't live in the bloody jungle.

Posted by flargh at 07:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Let's do this thing before I change my mind.

1. List your five favorite beverages.

Coffee
Fresh brewed iced tea
Cold filtered water
Diet coke
Fresh squeezed OJ

2. List your five favorite websites.

(that I'm not involved with.)

IMDB
Fark.com
The Onion
Apple
eBay

3. List your five favorite snack foods.

Popcorn
Barbeque potato chips
Big, soft pretzels with salt and mustard
occasionally, in the summer, a soft-serve ice cream or frozen custard dipped in chocolate or cherry
Nachos

4. List your five favorite board and/or card games.

Mouse Trap
Hungry Hungry Hippos
Monopoly
Sorry!
Checkers

5. List your five favorite computer and/or game system games.

For me, right now, it's all about Halo and Dungeon Siege and Warcraft III on the computer, fuck yeah. Everything else has not been worth my time, and I haven't turned my consoles on in weeks.

Posted by flargh at 01:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I am thrilled that they've okayed the Sagamore flyover.

If you've never visited Cape Cod, here's the deal: It's a peninsula separated from the mainland by a man-made canal. Unless you own a boat, the only two ways of traversing from the mainland to the Cape is to take one of two bridges that span the canal. There's the Bourne bridge, which connects Route 25 and Route 28 -- useful if you're coming from the West or want to visit the Bourne/Poccasset/Falmouth area, and there's the Sagamore bridge, which connects the northern part of the state to Route 6, which is called the Mid-Cape Highway. It's this bridge that is more heavily used, and it's one that's going to have a big problem go away.

Both bridges are hampered with rotarys, or roundabouts -- peculiar vestiges of horse-drawn carriage days that usually have four or more roads meet at a central point and force traffic to travel single-file, clockwise, until they hit the road they wish to take. Rotaries are bad ideas in the modern travel age -- they encourage people to drive agressively and stupidly, and people who aren't familiar with them tend to be intimidated to the point of blocking traffic behind them as they wait for an opening. The Bourne bridge's eastern, on Cape end terminates in a rotary, and the Sagamore bridge's western, on-the-mainland end terminates in a rotary.

It's that rotary that seems to cause more problems than one can count. It's mainly because the Sagamore bridge sees a lot more traffic during the summertime, because it's the central way that a lot of people who travel to the mid-Cape and outer Cape areas get there, especially if they live in greater Boston, which many of them do.

So the rotary is going away, and in place of it is a flyover, which promises to drop traffic times to the Cape to almost 1/5th what they are now.

The project has apparently been in discussion on and off for four decades, and in November, the Feds agreed to pony up $28 million for the project. The state has put up another $7 million. If that seems a bit imbalanced, I look at it this way: The Cape is a huge tourist draw not just for the state but for the nation, so I can justify seeing the feds pony up the bulk of the cost for it.

Environmentalists are hacked off that they're pushing this project instead of mass transit or high occupancy vehicle lanes -- whatever. While I'd love to see a rail transit system built or more buses used, that doesn't change the fact that most people want to drive around once they get to the Cape -- visit the beach one day, go shopping the next, hit the mini-golf place the next day, whatever. And they're families. Sticking my three kids on a bus doesn't sound like my idea of a holiday.

So it'll be done by 2006. Whoopie!

Posted by flargh at 05:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

From: installs.hssc@verizon.com
Date: Wed Dec 17, 2003 7:41:45 AM US/Eastern
To: flargh@mac.com
Subject: Verizon Online DSL Installation Update

We will keep you updated on the status of your order through e-mail so
please check it regularly. We will contact you by telephone once your DSL
service is ready.

Posted by flargh at 08:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

As someone who watches a lot more TV than he should, I realize that marketers feed the American public buckets of horseshit as fast as they can shovel on a constant, round-the-clock basis, and I'm fairly immune to it. But every so often there's something that just pisses me off for some reason. The latest source of my angst is what I like to call the Magic Spread.

You see the Magic Spread every so often in ads for margarine products and bakery goods like english muffins. The formula goes something like this: Take some pastry -- a fluffy muffin, perhaps, or a delicately toasted english muffin. Using a team of advanced special effects technicians, carefully apply a swirl of margarine to it that looks carelessly yet perfectly applied. Now, while shooting the ad, have a hand model, butter-knife in hand, pretend to spread the margarine over the surface of the pastry while never actually making contact with either the margarine or the pastry. Now they've even started putting in audio effects to make it sound like the knife is scraping over the surface of the pastry.

I don't know why it bugs me so much -- maybe because it's pantomime, and, well, I fucking hate pantomime. Maybe it's just because I know most of the advertising I see is crap -- it's just that some of it is so much more obvious.

Posted by flargh at 08:00 AM | Permalink

A few complaints I've read about MacSoft's just-released Mac conversion of Halo have focused on Full-Scene Anti Aliasing (FSAA). More specifically, the complaints have noted that FSAA doesn't work on some systems that should be able to support it. As I understand it, the problem isn't in the game itself, but it's in the drivers that the video cards use to display their 3D graphics.

It's one of those tricky issues that is really easy for a casual user to blame on the game itself, and lord knows Halo is going to be a magnet for criticism -- but it's one of those things that clear-thinking people need to separate from the game when they start thinking about it objectively. At least the hook is there to make FSAA work once drivers are up to snuff.

Posted by flargh at 11:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I have some great friends. Corey and Sophie are two of them. Sophie sent me a list of ten things to be grateful for, for a birthday present. She's a fellow Sagittarius who celebrated her own birthday earlier this week and an accomplished writer. I think her list pretty much speaks for itself -- Read on.

Well what words of inspiration and congratulation can I come up with to delight you on this day of celebration of your encroaching decrepitude.

xox Sophie

Posted by flargh at 04:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

You know the drill:

1. Do you enjoy the cold weather and snow for the holidays?

Hell no.

2. What is your ideal holiday celebration? How, where, with whom would you celebrate to make things perfect?

I like having the family around, but not too many people -- 20 is usually about the limit before I start to feel claustrophobic and socially overwhelmed. I really enjoy going to Bonnie's Aunt Jeanette's for Christmas, which has been the tradition for a few years now. Jeanette works hard to do a great spread, and all the womenfolk in that side of the family pitch in. There's always a lot of good eats (Polish folks).

3. Do you do have any holiday traditions?

Well, given that we spend Christmas with Bonnie's family, our tradition is usually to go to my Grandmother's on New Year's Day. Other than that, no traditions spring to mind that we adhere to particularly closely. Bonnie also like to visit a nearby shrine that does a huge Christmas lights display.

4. Do you do anything to help the needy?

We'll often participate in food and clothing drives.

5. What one gift would you like for yourself?

An iPod. One of these days...

Posted by flargh at 07:44 AM | Permalink

This time of year always throws me for a loop, and the holidays are only partly to blame. Parent-teacher conferences, end of the year expenses and logistics, preperation for Macworld Expo and various and sundry other inconveniences of modern life inevitably come together in a December tsunami that threatens to bury me ever year.

My birthday is tomorrow, and in recent years it's become more of an inconvenience than something to look forward to. It's not that I mind getting older; I don't. And now safely entrenched in my mid-30s, I feel like I'm starting to figure some shit out that I haven't to up until now -- not to say that I'm able to do much with the knowledge, but at least it's there.

So it's not the aging part that makes me not look forward to my birthday -- it's the expectation that we're going to do something on it or near it to "celebrate it." I don't really care about getting presents on my birthday, and I definitely don't want a party. I even feel like a "birthday meal" is too much of an inconvenience to deal with, and to that end, I'm just talking about figuring out what I want to eat, not actually cook it.

Though this mocha cake recipe that's been kicking around my family for years is a tradition that I really like. Mom's already promised to make one for me, so that's good.

Maybe I'm just at a particularly low ebb this year because I'm getting over this goddamn flu that has kicked the shit out of me. Shrug.

Posted by flargh at 10:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Sorry I haven't been my usual bloggy self for the past few days, but I've been sicker than hell. I caught the flu on Friday and basically slept, bitched and barfed straight through the weekend. I was functional enough to work yesterday, but I had to call it any early day because my temperature came back late in the afternoon and I spent another night tossing and turning, sweating, getting the chills, and coughing like crazy.

I hate getting sick, and Corey's right that I tend to complain about it a bit too much when I get a cold or an upset stomach. I totally admit that I'm a wimp when it comes to getting sick. I can live with chronic discomfort, oddly enough, but a toothache or a sinus infection can knock me for a loop.

This was the real deal -- I haven't had a case of the flu like this in more than a decade, since I was living in California and got infected by the Andromeda Strain or some alien zombie virus from Tahiti. At one point I got so febrile that I hallucinated on the sofa while watching some Alec Guinness movie about a Highland brigade in World War II. It was the same time that McDonald's introduced the McRib sandwich, and to this day seeing pulled pork on a bun slathered in barbeque sauce activates my gag reflex, and strangely enough makes me hear bagpipe music.

So I'm mostly back to it today, and have found that I've got a week's worth of work to catch up on already, around the house. I never dug us out from the nor'easter last weekend, so I've got to somehow get this snow out of here before it turns onto that melted ice stuff that's the consistency of concrete. It's sunny and above freezing today so I figure I've got a window of a couple of hours to make some headway there. Also, I have to take the trash to the dump, but I can't do it today because they're closed Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I'm basically a horrible invalid. I'm demanding, impatient, and clearly incapable of doing (or wanting to do) anything. I know this is going to sound extreme to some of you, but it's a good reminder to me to make sure I've got a living will, with an exemption that allows them to shoot me if I become too much of a crotchety old fart before I become an outright vegetable.

Posted by flargh at 10:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

No Friday Five this week, so I guess I'll regale you with more tales of the Frickin' Van.

One time we'd gone up to Hyannis to grab lunch at Subway. Since then, Subways have popped up in Sandwich (fitting, ha ha) and Mashpee and Falmouth, but at the time, they were still something of a rarity, and we were hankering from some subs on fresh rolls. It was raining. I mean, deluge. And it was cold. Not cold enough to turn the rain into snow, but that early Spring rain that is the very definition of "raw."

We got there, had our lunch, and proceeded to get back into the van. That's when tragedy struck. Again.

Like all first-generation minivans, the Aerostar has a slider door located on the right side of the vehicle that's used for egress to the middle and rear seats. The door is attached to the van using a rather complex hinging mechanism that holds in in place in three spots -- the top, the middle and the bottom. That top slider is a diagonally shaped arm of metal with a small plastic spindle on the end that runs along a grooved track welded into the side of the Aerostar's body.

We'd already noticed after driving the Aerostar through a winter or two that the slider door was "sticky." If moisture condensed and froze on the large gaskets around the edge of the door, we could find the Aerostar's slider frozen in place all together, until sun and heat from the van's ventilation system managed to return that ice to its liquid state.

But it was more than that: Occasionally, we found upon opening the door that it almost felt as if there was gravel on the tracks (in fact, a couple of times there were, since we have an unpaved gravel driveway). It took a good forceful pull to get the door open more often than not, and you really had to throw your back into it to get it closed.

As we returned to the van, I gave that slider a good, forceful pull so the kids could get out of the rain. A good, forceful pull that yanked that slider straight off its track.

The kids and Bonnie all clambered into the Frickin' Van and strapped themselves in, while I tried in vain to get the slider door back on its track. While yanking the slider door out of the track had been simple, getting it back in was proving to be difficult. That door must have weighed a hundred pounds or more -- after all, it was four-foot tall piece of steel, safety glass, rubber and other accessories -- so trying to get it back to where it should have been was proving to be difficult.

I yanked, I pulled, I pushed, I lifted, I dropped. I did everything I could to try to get the Frickin' Van's slider door back into place, as cold spring rain rushed down my back and the back of my pants. I'd neglected to wear a jacket that day because I figured we'd just be in and out.

I resignedly returned to the driver's seat and plopped down, soaking wet and frustrated and angry. "Daddy, water's still coming in through the door," said one of my kids. I stared balefully at the slider door, still ajar. Obviously, I couldn't drive home like this -- an open slider door was a hazard that would get me pulled over the instant a cop saw me, and I'd probably spend the night in jail for child endangerment in the process.

So with a heavy heart, I grabbed my cell phone and called AAA, again. Meantime, we sat and waited. Eventually the tow truck driver showed up, and managed to get me fixed, at least temporarily -- a screwdriver the size of a baby's arm gave him the leverage that I couldn't manage on my own, to squeeze the door back onto its track once more. With that, we were on our way.

A few days later the local Ford dealership replaced the top hinge mechanism. Of course, it soaked me, but it still beat a new car payment. The inconvienence of it all was a bit harder to quantify, though.

Posted by flargh at 09:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Well, it's been a month since I asked Verizon to install DSL on my office line. Another installation deadline passed with nothing happening. I just got this in my e-mail this morning:

Dear peter cohen,

By now, you should have received your DSL Installation Kit including your
Verizon Online Installation CD. Please do not install your equipment
until you have been notified that your DSL service is ready on your
telephone line.

I'm starting to rethink this whole thing. If they're this slow on the uptake just getting the line set up, how the hell are they going to be if it ever needs to get fixed?

Posted by flargh at 11:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

By popular demand, a new entry for The Frickin' Van chronicles.

We bought the frickin' van in the winter, and had driven it for several months without any problems. I'd noticed that there was a lot of body rot around the fender areas and near the slider door, which seemed to accelerate after we brought it home. In retrospect, I'm not surprised. The Frickin' Van spent most of its life in a garage, but we have just a driveway, and New England winters -- especially near the shore -- are brutal on any metallic object. Fords aren't exactly the most rustproof vehicles on Earth either, especially those built in the 80s, as this one was. But the body rot was no precursor for the terror that would visit us one fateful hot summer day at the mall.

My wife and I decided to go to the mall to get some shopping done, and we dragged the kids along as well. The mall is only about 20 minutes away, in Hyannis, so we took off, and everything seemed fine until I pulled into the parking lot and found a space.

Maybe the stereo was up too high or maybe we were talking loudly to each other, but it wasn't until I got out of the van and swung open the tailgate to get out James' carriage that I realized something was wrong -- very wrong. For somewhere ahead of me I heard the sound of a cascade of water -- like a waterfall or a fountain like you find in some people's gardens. The steady drip -- more of a rush, in retrospect -- of water splashing onto the ground.

I looked underneath the Frickin' Van, in between the two front tires, and saw a torrent of bilgy green water pouring forth onto the ground. Something under the hood -- some part of the cooling system -- had given way, and the Frickin' Van was dumping coolant onto the ground with the same force as a freshly slaughtered pig dumps blood onto the floor of the slaughterhouse after its throat has been cut.

If there was fortune to be had, it was that we were parked just slightly uphill from a drainage basin, so the coolant dumped into a nearby storm drain, rather than puddling underneath the car or oozing back towards us. My misfortune did not go unnoticed by the other patrons of the mall, either. Across the row of cars from us was a white-haired pensioner and his wife. He shot me a dentury grin and offered, "Looks like you sprung a leak there, pal!"

No shit, grandpa.

I popped the hood and found that a peculiar Y-shaped hose under the hood unlike any radiator hose I had ever seen before was totally shot -- it had ruptured near the base, which is why the pressurized coolant fluid had spilled everywhere.

While I was basically capable of diagnosing the problem, fixing it was something else entirely. So my first call was to AAA to summon a tow truck. My second was to my mother, so she could ferry Bonnie and the kids home. Mom got there well before the truck did, as I sweated it out in the hot sun.

Once the truck got there, the guy had a look under the hood and decided he'd have a go at fixing the problem himself. He unscrewed the clamp from the end of the hose and tried to cut it to see if he could mickey mouse something together that would get me going again, but after about a half an hour of this it was clear that he wasn't going to be able to get it working.

I have a mechanic I like to use in Falmouth. It's about a half an hour's drive from where the van had died, and what I've learned after owning the Frickin' Van is that towing companies are incredibly provincial. They'll usually only cover one or two towns at most, so when you ask them to drive outside that radius, you're at their whim about when you'll actually be able to get service. But as it turned out, that day he had to make a trip down to Falmouth anyway to deliver another vehicle. So we mounted mine on the flatbed and dragged another car behind us, dropping that one off first and then mine.

As it was Sunday, I had to wait another day before my mechanic could look at the Aerostar to give me an estimate on what it would cost to fix. Predictably, it was a lot of money, because the cooling system -- like so much on that van -- is odd and not a regular bin part. It was a couple more days and a couple hundred dollars later before I got the van back.

The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I drove away from the mechanic's that day told me I'd never feel really comfortable driving the Frickin' Van again. And my intuition was right.

Posted by flargh at 09:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Warning issued after drunken elk attack

Posted by flargh at 04:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I can't decide which I like better: Donald "Cryptkeeper" Rumsfeld's bizarre pretzel logic (which reminds me of a Honeymooners routine) or Gov. Schwarzenegger's suggestion that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Actually, knowing Corey, maybe that suggestion isn't so far-fetched.

Posted by flargh at 12:56 PM | Permalink