Tikkabik

What are your strongest skills and/or best qualities?

My ability to terrify the weak and infirmed, my loquacious tenacity in the face of gibbering stupidity, and my ability to clear an elevator after having a large burrito for lunch. Or a small burrito. Or thinking about having a burrito.

What have been your major accomplishments and achievements during this review period?

My proudest moment came when I realized that, in the face of mounting evidence of global warming and in light of our company's own efforts to be more "green," I did my part to help conserve Earth's precious resources by bathing no more than once a week. I recognize that as a telecommuter this feat may not have been noticed by my colleagues, but I'm sure once it will be brought to their attention that they will appreciate the sacrifice I've made, especially given the alienation this action has wrought between me and my immediate family.

What are your key areas for improvement and development?

I'd like to learn how to spit farther than I can spit now. I also can't whistle loudly through my teeth; it's a shortcoming I've felt inadequate about ever since early adolescence.

What training or work experience do you feel would develop your skills and/or advance your career goals?

I suspect that if we were to open a satellite office in Appalachia and put me in charge of it, that would greatly help me towards my objectives.

In what ways could your manager better support you or help you be more effective or productive in your job?

Staying the hell out of my way would be a good place to start. I know Larry's married to the owner's daughter and everything, but seriously. He's as useless as tits on a bull.

Please list 3 suggestions for improvement within your work group.

1. Ernie in accounting talks to himself in a little-girl voice that I find incredibly disturbing. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't only when he was following me at lunch. That I telecommute and eat lunch at home both contribute to Ernie making this a hostile work environment, as I mentioned in my recent harassment filing with HR.

2. I've made this request before and I know that upper management has denied it, but I don't see why we don't consider opening up our Web and e-commerce business to hardcore pornography. It's a growth industry right now, and its increasing number of perverse niches fits perfectly with our customized electronic publishing philosophy.

3. It would help if my local medical marijuana grower were added to our health plan's list of preferred providers. Then I'd be able to buy my weed for a co-pay instead of the full amount.