Tikkabik

Sorry to channel Ebenezer Scrooge and be a total buzzkill, but bah, humbug. I really hate this time of year with a passion that builds each time it comes around.

My contempt for the season is never stronger than it is on Black Friday, that day after Thanksgiving when it seems that the entire population of the United States loses its collective mind and goes on an orgy of money-spending that goes unrivaled the rest of the year. It's as if we need a debt enema to clear ourselves of all the cholesterol we consume the day before.

I've been pummelled with advertisements for Black Friday sales for a couple of weeks now, and all of them tell me the same thing: Stay the hell away from any shopping mall or plaza on Friday -- in fact, just stay home and enjoy your day off. Which is exactly what I plan to do, especially since we'll have a fair amount of driving to do the following day (one of Bonnie's cousins is getting married up near Boston.

Looking at the goods that are being offered on Black Friday, it's readily apparent to anyone who has two brain cells to rub together that it's not about "giving," it's about ablating guilt over self-indulgence, particularly in high-priced items like plasma TVs, laptop computers, cars and so on. Outside of the occasional parent who might buy their kid a new Inspiron or MacBook for school, is anyone buying these things actually buying them for someone else?

There is, of course, the obligatory message that if you really love your spouse or significant other, you'll sacrifice several months' worth of income in order to buy her a precious stone worthy of her admiration. I'm reminded of Ron White's routine about the message that "diamonds take her breath away" -- what they're really saying is "get her a diamond and shut her up."

Perhaps most obnoxious are the specials that some companies are running -- Comp USA, for example, said that it's going to pre-empt Black Friday sales by offering specials on Thanksgiving Day itself, from 9PM to midnight, including a $199 PC laptop if you buy a new cell phone with two year service plan. Or the "deals" you can only get if you show up at some retailers between 5 and 7 AM on Friday morning. 5AM, for Chrissakes.

Of course, Friday night's news will feature footage of vacant-eyed shoppers squealing with porcine glee as they rush the doors at Target and Wal-Mart on Friday morning to spend, spend, spend.

Eat, little piggies, eat. The more you eat the tastier ham and bacon you'll make when it comes time to carve you up.

'Tis the season.