Tikkabik

I think you've come up against a few conflicting things:

* the biological impetus to help, especially when children are concerned. If you'd said that Robert and/or Emmeline had recurrent strep or ear infections or the like, you would have drawn just as much "helpful" advice ("throw away the toothbrush!", "get tubes" or "no, don't get tubes!"). This will come whether the person has children or not.

These people are not trying to interfere (well, probably not), but combined with your disarming nature (see below), they see an unpleasant situation and want to offer what assistance they can.

* your willingness to share information about Robert's and Emmeline's diagnosis, combined with the fact that mental illness still has a HUGE taboo around it. Your comments undoubtedly shock the hell out of many, who would never consider a discussion about psychological trials & tribulations, especially in children. Caught flat-footed, they blurt out something they consider "helpful", while at the same time they undoubtedly think/feel "oh thank GOD that's not me" and "those poor children/parents!!"

Those people who have dealt with psychological issues (whether for themselves or their children) would never offer such "helpful" advice, and would be content to ask "do you have the resources you need?", or perhaps go as far as saying "Dr X at ZZ Hospital was wonderful for my little one".

I think you're caught in one of those horrible Miss Manners moments where you have to grin and bear it. Unlike many diseases (including, often, cancer!) there is no simple answer or cure to mental illness. You're also not speaking just for yourself, but for your children (who cannot set their own boundaries in what you discuss).

In terms of taboo, I'm always afraid that someone will want to talk to me about my mental illness (I say that like I say "my newspaper" or "my desk"). It's such an embarrassing thing, and yet if I don't speak out, how will people become desensitized? 99% of the time, I end up embarrassed and silent.

If nothing else, you are tearing down the walls of the taboo. I commend you and Bonnie for that, and wish you well in dealing with the trials and tribulations of your children's upbringings, whether related to mental illness or not.

Four days after my son was born, we learned that he was deaf. The next day, a Deaf woman told me that the only 'right' thing to do was to give him up to a Deaf couple, so he could be raised in the culture into which he was born.

It was that day that I learned to keep *my* mouth shut. :-) But I know exactly that feeling of being condescended to...you're not alone there. It makes me want to say to my advisor (and frankly, I HAVE said, in some cases), "Do you think I am completely stupid?" I don't think most of those people talk to me anymore. But I don't really care. :-)

Helen:

You raise some excellent points -- I guess my alternatives are either to shut up, which I'm not going to do, or put up with it, which I guess I kinda have to. :)

Fortunately, at the end of the day, I know i'm doing what I think is right for my kids, and I know from the discussions that we have had about it that they appreciate our position as their advocates. And thank goodness, I hear it often enough from people who are also in active roles in my kids' lives, like their therapist, doctors and advocates, that I even believe it once in a while.

Kerri:

It's interesting to me that there's a "culture" for deaf people -- I've seen Gallaudet on the news often enough to recognize that the deaf community is extraordinarily activist, and there's certainly a lot of benefit in that. But yeah, someone suggesting that you're better off putting your kid up for adoption because you don't share his disability. Well, holy shit. Wow.

The operative words are "unsolicited" and (implied) "unqualified".

Rather than being motivated by a benign, vague "wish to help", the know-it-all buttinskis among us are a narcissistic bunch who have a pathological need to dominate others, sometimes by arguing for argument's sake. In those circumstances, anyone would be absolutely right to take offense.

See Peter, now you're just taking this to a whole 'nother level. You know the problem. It's the cheese. And mercury. The planet Mercury. Oh, and those little toothpick umbrella thingys. And static cling. Fix that stuff already, will ya?
:)