Tikkabik

Preface this story with a factoid: I detest the sound of people chewing. Open-mouth chewers are the worst, but really, show some decorum. It doesn't take that much effort to close your lips and chew relatively quietly. I'll even cut you a break if you're munching on something extra-crunchy like peanut brittle.

Having said that, there's this television ad that, well, gets my teeth grinding every time I see it for a cereal called Raisin Bran Crunch. The ad shows this doe-eyed young man in an office cubicle bovinely masticating a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch just as his boss comes to shitcan him.

The boss begins a stuttering speech explaining to the young gentleman that he's been let go, but the young lad is oblivious to his situation. The intense sound of his molars grinding against this apparently indestructible breakfast food drowns out all other noise in the workplace. He blankly stares at his boss, chewing absently like a ruminant regurgitating its cud.

Then, the moment comes that sends the hair on the back of my neck standing on end -- well, it would if I didn't take a razor to it every morning. The camera switches to Fired-Boy's Eye View as he serenely gazes at his supervisor, dazed by the hypnotic glow of the office lights. Queue the sound of his zombie-like crunching and smacking, now filling the speakers of my home entertainment system in glorious 5.1 surround.

It makes me want to run shrieking to the kitchen drawer to grab a fork so I can plunge it repeatedly into this simpering imbecile's eye sockets.

And by the way, Kelloggs: At this point, I'd rather eat the raw, festering runny innards of that gas-bloated raccoon roadkill I saw this morning for breakfast than touch your damnable product ever again.

There, I feel much better now. Thank you.