Tikkabik

Dear woman who answers the phone at the doctor's billing office:

You're a bitch. No, seriously, you're a complete fucking bitch.

From the moment you sighed with mock exasperation after I told you'd I'd received an erroneous bill asking for almost $400 and adopted a sarcastic, snide tone of voice to get more information from me, I knew you were a bitch.

See, when you talked with my wife a month ago, she made it clear to you that you'd billed our insurance company wrong the first time, and that's why you didn't get paid the right amount. Your doctor isn't part of our network, but if you'd simply followed the insurance company's instructions correctly the first time, he would have gotten what he was owed regardless.

Instead, you chose to fuck with us and bill us again. You decided that the easier route was to ask me for the money. There are only two problems with that: A) I'm cheap and I won't pay your fucking bill. B) My wife used to work for an HMO in the claims department, and she knows what sort of stupid, incompetent assholes happen to work in doctors' billing offices.

You came up with a half-assed explanation of how that bill was my deductible, despite the fact that the information you input into the system after you talked with Cigna reflected differently, even repeating it back to me. You either thought I was too stupid to understand what was being said to me, or you yourself are too mentally handicapped to comprehend.

I bet a lot of people just pay their bills to get you out of their lives. After all, you have a personality that's the psychic equivalent of nails scraping across a chalkboard. After five or ten minutes of arguing the point with you, I would have belted back a few fingers of scotch, if I was a drinking man.

So, when I explained to you that you needed to resubmit the bill, and told you point-blank we went through this a month ago, you told me that I was wrong and suggested that I had an attitude problem. That's when I knew that you weren't just a stupid bitch, but an arrogant one too.

I got satisfaction a few minutes later when my insurance company told me that you'd been paid, and that a check number would be available tomorrow. Turns out you took my wife's advice the first time and resubmitted to the insurance company, even though you're too much of a shrew to admit it.

Oh, you're a coward too -- because you made someone else call me back to confirm that I was indeed correct to begin with, and that you'd been paid.

Harpy. I hope you get yours in Hell.