Solutions in search of a problem
So convenience foods have been a big trend for years. It's bitter irony that as more and more parents put in longer hours to actually put food on the table, they have less time to do it. Agrobusiness is only too happy to oblige by charging more for less product, partially or wholly preparing it, and sticking it in shrunkwrapped trays you can find in your grocer's freezer.
For a lot of this, I can understand, whether it's vegetables that appear to already be marinated and grilled, or a gourmet meatloaf that I have to just heat and serve. And actually, for my harried wife, when I'm away on business trips and can't cook, these items are a godsend. For her, the less time spent in the kitchen, the better.
But there's a point at which it becomes ridiculous. Case A in point: Smucker's Uncrustables.
Uncrustables are the perfect "grab-and-go" sandwich for families on the move, says the Smucker's Web site. Simply keep them in the freezer, then pack them in your lunch in the morning. By lunchtime, Uncrustables are thawed and ready to eat.
Well, thank GOD that someone at the J.M. Smucker Co. realized that there was a way to recover all the MILLIONS of man-hours lost in the course of a year preparing PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES. I mean, they are RIDICULOUSLY labor intensive, between getting out the loaf of bread, removing the jam or jelly from the fridge, finding the peanut butter, and locating a knife to spread said condiments onto said bread. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Why, I'd rather make FOIE GRAS than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
My other favorite bit of marketing-bullshit is this little blurb on the Smucker's site:
Smucker's has discovered a new way to seal homemade goodness into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich ? without the crust!
Well STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES. Smucker's has come up with a high-tech alternative to CUTTING THE CRUST OFF THE BREAD, because lord only knows THAT hasn't been effective enough since the damn things were invented. Again, thank CHRIST that the braniacs at Smucker Co. are hard at work solving problems like this. I just wonder how much faster we'd find cures for world famine, SARS or AIDS with these GENIUSES on the job.
At $2.50 for a box of 4, it doesn't take a PhD in math to figure out that the cost of Uncrustables is hellishly higher than a conventional peanut butter and jelly sandwich either.
Case B: Philly Cream Cheese's new bagel to go thingie, which I can't link to directly or even reference articulately because Philly's Web site is b0rked at the moment. But here's the rub: You take a bagel, package it in with a mini-tub of cream cheese, and you have the latest in convenient foods. All pitched to you in prime-time with a choir of heavenly angels singing "hallelujah" in the background.
Clearly, the same company that does Smucker Co.'s marketing has Kraft's ad campaign, too.
I am relieved ... nay ... ECSTATIC ... that Kraft has found a way to save precious moments of breakfast preparation in the morning with this INGENIOUS system of instant food preparation. Because up until now, my mornings have been positively MIRED in the COMPLICATED PROCESS of getting a bagel from the bag, putting it in the toaster oven, then getting the cream cheese from the fridge, spreading it, and wrapping said bagel in a paper towel before heading out the door. THIS IS TIME I'LL NEVER GET BACK, and I'm positively orgasmic with joy that Kraft has found a way to shave precious milliseconds from my morning routine.
Okay, I'm done.
Comments
And here I thought your rant was going to involve ripping up the NAME of the PB&J time-savers. :)
Posted by: Suz | May 28, 2003 11:55 AM
alright.....either your father was killed by these evil corperations and your looking for revenge by overthrowing the corperation.or your a phyco
Posted by: Politic-oholic | October 27, 2003 08:09 PM